Gone and dead: vice versa

As much as I'd like to stop worrying I know I can't.
School Money Family Self esteem Health Friends...

Most of my old friends out there dwell alot on their problems about their so called love affairs. (I realised most of my poly friends don't easily get troubled by relationships) It triggers me to realise that they're so damn free to think so much about love daily while I'm still stuck on my family, studies, self esteem problems. Is it me or the fact that I've never really met this thing called love before?

Currently A Lesson in Romantics By Mayday Parade see related

I think I'm in luv

Seriously.

This is a fucking great concept for a shoe. I know it might be old.

Think entrepreneurship, guys and ladders.

I want you so badly it's my biggest wish

Sometimes Most of the times, my friends are the most irritating creatures ever.

Maddieelyn says:
*duh
*now help me do rj (somekind of homework journal we have that Facilitators give us everyday so they can read how we learn and stuff)
*LOL

Kat says:
*whats your question?

Maddieelyn says:
*What is the most difficult thing the team faced when deconstructing today's problem and what role did you play as a team member in helping to tackle that?

Kat says:
*lol so easy
*the team had e most difficulty in dealing with me. because i am always late. a team needs teamwork. without a member, the team cant function properly. it's like a car. team members are e mechanical parts. my role for today is tackling the problem. AT LEAST I CAME OKAY YOU SUCKER.

LOL CHEEBAI RIGHT THIS TYPE OF STUDENT/FRIEND. <3

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Halloween update! :)

ARE YOU SCARED?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!

Okay maybe not, but I think this will scare you instead.

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NOW, ARE YOU SCARED?!?! WHO'S YOUR DADDY! SCREAM MY NAME!

-

Nothing much lah actually.

Went ECP with Kat and Jaimee(Her bf@_@) and Daren!
Later in the night, met D & off we went for a midnight movie - Jennifer's body, WOOPWOOP! Nize. Well, okay most of the times I was covering my face with D's sweater BUT STILL! i watched it! Heeehehehe although I'm not a big fan of MeganFox, the movie is worth watching.

Hello, Kebab for you? Jai intro-ed it to us and I didn't finish my food because I hated it. Jai and Daren finished it for me HAHA! And it was Jai's treat cos he was guilty AWWW.

Jai, your gf ah? Why got fuckface one. Hee heheh ehh .
I just realised her T-Shirt. SO HER. Forever laughing (:

See, even Kat hated the food and Jai was about to smack her for not appreciating his culture. LOL.

Kat thinks she very cute, take this kind of shot.

Without you I'll be miserable at best

Kathy has her very own HelloWind photo too! Think hers more creepy, handsdown.

Hi Daren :D

Aft awhile at ECP, we were bored, tired and feeling very hot....

Kathy v chio one ok.

LALALA YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS *HYPNOTISES*

I'm so retarded.

Daren :DD:D:DD:D:D:D:D

So D came to my rescue<3

D acting shy.

Back his place to change before going to Cathay.

This is the new bed he got that I was talking about the other time on my Twitter! SOO fking big, I think I can roll around 6 times to get to the other end lor! Okay maybe 7. Or 5. I don't know, nvr try before! Wasted.

Ze couple

Off the 5 of us went~~!

After the movie, it was already 3am. We had the sian and shag and tired face... Totally Halloweenish, yay! LOL.

To spice things up a little, Maddie style!

Kinda worked, but not for long so we all headed home.

***

Random Fuckface

***

JB!

Manicure, omg. I cannot understand how females can tahan sitting there for hours! I was dead bored >_>

BUT

I wanna be girly so I'll be a hypocrite and tell you that it was a fabulous experience! First time going for manicure and pedicure. Not suakoo, but because I refused to spend my money on such services before. Now that I've tried it, oh boy, do I want to try it again and again and again and again.......

It was great! I <3 MANICURES AND PEDICURES! MORE PLEASE THANKS.

Kenny Rogers, damn nice plz!

***

Alright, finally it's done. Still got Adventure Learning, drinking session, funny stuffs and many more things to update about, but will do so tomorrow!! Or in the weekdays. Some sneak previews, :)

Till then,
SMILEX!

P.S: Someone just described me as ECCENTRIC. OMG TOTALLY! HAHAHA (Y)

What's left of me?

ssdlsakjsh.

(edit)
A little shout out to a bitch by the name of Nicole Yang, look at the previous post. I DID NOT BOLD THAT SHIT. HAHA. IF you think that I simple went to edit and unbold it, then I have nth to say alr. But trust me, I'm not THAT bhb LAH, esp with what's been hitting me these days. You have no idea what impact you had on me when you said that. Anyhows, I don't want any confusing faces or uptight feelings so just forget it. Don't ask k? AND GO TO THE DOC PLEASE, something or someone is playing with your eyes/mind lahur.... HAHA <3!
(/edit)

Some things aren't meant to be said... But I never thought I'd have this shit condition. I thought it only happens in dramas.. Hush you! :)
Things happened so fast, never even realised what is going on at times. This year flew like Weee!!~!~~ Kns think next yr I 75 yrs old alrdy lah.

So shag. Haven't been having proper sleep for weeks.. Haven't been taking good care of my face for the past few monthsssssss. I'm a terrible girl, I always really wish I was born a guy. Girls have to go to that extra mile, just to get some attention or for my case, some confidence. Fuck that???

Thanks to those who reassured sincerely. Screw those who tried to bring me down. I'm still trying to recover and I'll return stronger, so just watch it.

Anyway, yesterday was supposed to be a smashing Halloween private parteh. LOL. Don't ask! Will update about it soon, real soon.
Had a few CLOSE FLENS(close friends?!?!!!) asking me to be girly on this fateful day. HA HA HA. Damn you all, but SUSU had to go out in HER BOXERS, therefore the girly hassle was totally worth it. So I had a lil eye make up and perfume on...

I HATE THE EYE MAKEUP. (Maybe cos I anyhow bua here bua there.... Tutors leh?!!?? AMIN!!!!)

Made me look like an Indian in my opinion. I'm not going to even mention 'Minah' cas I look like one, with or without it. Jai said I look a little Thai. And Daren, as usual with his crooked mouth...... said the P word. LOL, go figure!

So... With this super unusual extent of make up on me, I can't help but act chio infront of the camera.

omg this is fucken epic. totally "subscribe-me-if-you-think-this-is-epic!!!" material on youtube.

Act cute also can.

Which I obviously fail, (but considering there's this cute pink iron behind me.....) because I'm just not good enough for all you fucktards out there.

On a less emo note, it's simply because I'm not used to acting chio or cute or EVEN full make up LAH.

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Hmm. Xanga is fucking up big time, not allowing me to upload anymore photos. Or is there many other bloggers out there trying to update about their pathetic Halloween adventures??????? It's a sign to return to studying / watch the match / sleep. Heh.

I'm sorry for throwing girls' faces away. I'm already trying to gather information about the perfect toner, masks, makeups and stuff......
Peace out :)

If I set you free, will you still come back to me?

I should really blog often again, I miss that urge and motivation. And of course all of you 2** reading this really deserve my xxo for being so faithful! I'm not famous lika Xiaxue or a DawnYang(I'm not plastic, to start off with....) and I don't even participate in Nuffnang activities but I just like writing and the idea of entertaining you lovelies. Although I lost 55% of stats since I started becoming lazy and total anti-social, I'll be smacking back - Once I recover, if I ever will!

Randomising.

From: http://starry-eyed-surveys.xanga.com/

100 random secrets I've found #4
bold if you can relate

1. I basically live in my pajamas, because I’m always at home. On the weekends, my life feels so slow. I just spend all day alternating between going on the computer, watching TV, and napping. That’s it, basically.
2. I saw you smile. Now I know that all those silly conversations in movies about loving someone’s smile are all true. It’s the best thing my eyes have ever seen.
3. Sometimes I judge people based on their taste in music.
4. It gives me great satisfaction that all the ugly fat bitches I went to elementary school with are still ugly and fat and I’m fierce and skinny.
5. I hate that I depend on you being there. I hate that I care about anyone this much. I value my independence, it makes me who I am. And I can't decide, if it's safe to value you more.
6. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to tolerate this fucking awful family. I’m so fed up with my mom and her mood swings. One day she’s great; the next day, she turns into a fucking bitch. Whatever mood she wakes up in determines how the day is going to be.
7. I took a walk to clear my head, and it got me nowhere. My whole world feels like it’s crashing down around me. Most of my once close friends have drifted away.
8. Woop de fucking doo for you. Some guy walked you home and gave you his jacket. Shut the fuck up about your love life. No one gives a shit, especially me. Stop rubbing it in my fucking face. You go through guys like you go through hair dye for fucks sake.
9. I told him we'd stay together while I was away at university. I cheated on him my first night here, and I'm not even sorry.
10. I just fed my brother a cookie I dropped on the ground. He didn't know and so he ate it. He still doesn’t know. And I don’t feel bad.
11. My best friend uses me for what I have and to make her feel better about herself
12. I want to talk to you so bad, but what do I say? Where do I start? I think you are really cute and I'd love to get to know you. I wanna be with you. I'm just so scared of rejection. I'm scared you don't feel the same. But I won't even try. I hate being like this.
13. Have you ever felt that weird feeling in the air that something big is gonna happen to you soon? I can just feel it all over.
14. I'm an extremely logical, cynical and realistic woman. A lot of people misconstrue it for bitchiness, I'm really not sure why, but it doesn't bother me even a little bit. I simply know when I'm right (and admit it when I'm not).
15. Everyday is so mundane and repetitive. I only get out of the house when I’m going to school, going grocery shopping, or going to the gym. I go out with “friends” maybe once a month, if I’m lucky.
16. For the first time in a long time, I am at peace. Everyone else around me is fighting a war and I'm at peace. I've never realized how wonderful it really is, for right now there is no fighting, and I only have to make myself happy.
17. I really wish I could get over you, but you were my first serious boyfriend. Though we were only together 2 years it seemed like forever. The way you’re acting now that we’re broke up just makes me sick to my stomach.
18. I take so many pills to go to sleep that I'm afraid sometimes I won’t wake up. I don’t even know if I'm supposed to combine them. I’m usually a smart girl. I just don’t care about anything anymore.
19. All my long-term relationships end horribly. Maybe because I'm a passionate person, or maybe I'm just not ready for anything serious. I'm sick of being blamed for everything when a relationship involves two people.
20. I chose not to kill myself because I wanted to attend my dream school. I lived, and my dream school turned out to be just as bad as my old one. I wonder if I made the right decision.
21. I am sick and tired of everyone saying that they have problems. I have problems... I have an ex that won’t leave me alone. A friend who doesn’t want to talk to me. People need to grow up and stop being so selfish. I am trying to change my life and everything, but I can’t when I go somewhere and everyone is talking shit. Leave me the fuck alone.
22. I need new friends but where can I find them?
23. I hate when people say "you almost gave me a heart attack", because I've seen someone die of a heart attack.
24. I hate being naked and would rather shower with clothes on than off.
25. Most days, I feel like I have no reason to keep going. The only thing that really makes me happy nowadays is when I buy new clothes, and my puppy. She’s basically the only one I can connect with anymore. It sounds so pathetic to say, but it’s true. I love her so much; she always puts a smile on my face, even after I’ve had a totally shitty day. At least I can always count on her.
26. I have never been, nor will ever be, enough for anybody. I have been blessed with everything that makes a brilliant first, second, third impression, and cursed with everything that pushes everybody away once they get to know me. I'm so alone, not for lack of attention but because I've been left so many times I don't try anymore, and I don't even know if I care anymore.
27. I smoke far far far too much hash. Even now.This has taken me about twenty minutes to write.
28. I go into barnes and noble but I'm looking for my soulmate more than a book that I want.
29. Selfish controlling bastards. That’s what men are! They think that because they say that they love you one minute, you’re supposed to lick the salty side of their sacks the next. Fuck that shit.
30. I love you. I've loved you all along. The worst feeling in the world is loving someone who used to love you.
31. I haven't had sex in over a year. And right now, it's really bad. I feel like I'm not getting the whole young high school experience. I want to live. I want to fuck. And party. And have fun. It's not happening, and I'm becoming depressed.
32. As bad as it is, I like the attention when people call me a whore. It makes me feel pretty.
33. Sometimes, when I sweet talk you, I use lyrics from songs that you haven't heard. Then I just pray to god you don't hear that song.
34. I miss you more than you know. We made a terrible mistake, and I wonder if you have realized that too.
35. I’ve hit my self destruct button. It was a total accident, and I don’t even know how I did it. But now I’m feeling lower than ever.
36. I've never had a girlfriend nor even done anything remotely close to anything sexual with a woman. I always end up as the best friend for some reason. Told I'm attractive, that any girl would be lucky to have me, and dealing with them crying when their dick of a boyfriend does something stupid. I don't want any more friends its too much work anymore.
37. Sometimes I wish I killed the entire human race so I can the only one living in this world. I am so obsessed with being alone. Then maybe a new race humans will evolve and I will their leader.
38. You are the one for me. We haven't met yet but I am waiting for you; body, mind and soul. You and I will love each other like no one has ever loved anyone before. We will be perfect for each other. You will be able to make me feel safe and wanted. I will be able to make you feel important and cherished. You and I will share the same kind of humor and we will have fun being spontaneous. We will try doing things that we would never do alone but we wont pressure each other to do anything either of us wouldn't do. God will bring us together and he will keep our love strong.
39. Everyone my age has had a boyfriend, except for me. And it feels as if it's keeping me separate from everybody.
40. I live on my own and I literately don't have one person in this world to call. One person in this world to just honestly tell them I need help and that I'm sad.
41. Sometimes when I am vacuuming I find the musical note that the vacuum makes and then harmonize with it.
42. Thinking about being with you is better then actually being with you.
43. I am going to med-school to become a doctor, just so I can shove it in my mother-in-laws face, that I have a better life, and that I provide more for her son then she ever could.
44. I'm still in love with him no matter how many times I deny it. I say I will never date him again but if he asked me out I wouldn't think twice about it and be with him again.
45. I'm trying to be the laid back girlfriend who doesn't overreact and doesn't care about much. But it's so hard to do that when my boyfriend ditches me all the time for his friends, and is a complete asshole.
46. I was waiting for the beginning of a new school year the whole summer just so I could see my 6-months-long-crush, who has no idea about who I even am. It was worth it.
47. I've been through a lot in my life, and as a result I don't feel anything, ever. I can't cry, even when I know I should or when I want to. I don't care about anyone or anything and I hate that more than anything. I want to feel and be able to care but every time I start to, I block it out because it scares me.
48. I've plastered a smile on my face just so people think I'm okay when really I feel so dead inside that I hardly feel like it's worth it to keep going. My friends love me because I am so happy and fun and full of life and I often wonder if I would still have friends if they knew I felt depressed and dead on the inside.
49. Sometimes I like to stand in the shower with my clothes on and pretend I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

50. When I'm hungry but don't have a lot of money, my favorite place to eat is the supermarket. I walk up and down the isles eating whatever food isn't packaged; like bread, fruits, and vegetables and then i just walk out. Lunch is for free. I'm surprised more people don't do this.
51. I like to go to the bathroom and do my business with the door open. It makes me feel extremely free and uninhibited
52. I'm scared my heart is gonna fail and my family will be left to mourn me. That's my worse fear. I don't want to die young. It's not fair.
53. Some time ago, I had this dream. In this dream a voice told me distinctly that I will never find love because he/she couldn't find anyone to match with me. Even if that voice did not tell me that i will be alone forever, I already know.
54. I wanted you to know that I love not having you around. I can finally be myself and like whatever I want to like without you treating me like a little kid. I hope you come to realize this.
55. Your smile and your presence is more powerful than you know.
56. I swear I just can't stop looking at pornography. I'm a christian and it feels like it's tearing my life apart with Jesus. I never thought that it could be addictive but it is.
57. The days my dad was in Iraq, were the best days of my life.
58. I fear I ruined my relationship with the love of my life, and I'm going to end up marrying a man that is second best.
59. I smile and laugh a lot, but I'm hurting on the inside. I don't care much about my life. I only stay around for my family.
60. You're so sick all the time. I know it's bad but sometimes i wish you would just die and get over with it already
61. Every time I go to a wedding I wonder how long before the happy couple isn't.
62. I never feel like anyone cares anymore. I'm permanently paranoid & I'm never happy. I manage to pretend but I wish someone would notice.
63. It seems as though I am the only one who has not found love yet, and the only one who would actually appreciate having it.
64. I'm so glad we reconnected today. It was one of the best in a long time.
65. I wish someone could tell me if being with my boyfriend is right. I worry he's holding me back from greatness.

66. I'm a virgin, I'm scared that my sexual fantasies won't live up to the real thing.
67. i blame the weed and your brother for tearing apart our fantastic friendship. your brother broke my heart, and the weed made it ok.
68. I get butterflies each time I see you and my heart races, it's as though it'll jump right out. You have no idea.
69. I bring laughter to many, but I am so sad and lonely that I often wish that I will simply die in my sleep.
70. I've lost touch with many of my friends because I enjoy being by myself more.
71. I lie all the time. I lie about myself. I lie about other people. Even about people whom I love. People whom have been good to me. I want the attention. I feel my regular life is so boring that no one would want to hear me talk unless I make the story more exciting, scary, sad, amazing, unbelievable.
72. If we could just get a hotel for the night and not tell a soul, I would.
73. I am a talented artist, but I haven't done any meaningful art for years. I'm too lazy and would rather just get drunk. (In terms of writings)
74. You were never as good as I thought you were. I was never as bad as you made me feel.
75. When you killed yourself it hurt me so much, part of me wishes you would have taken me with you.
76. I swore I wrote some of these secrets... It's strange to know somebody is going through exactly the same thing as me. But it's nice.
77. I wish I could get rid of everything and move away where none of you could find me. I'm tired.
78. There are so many things that I feel ashamed of I am not sure where to begin. I started having sex when I was 17 with a boy I hardly knew and I am not even sure why. From that point I had sex with virtually every one I was ever "with". I can hardly even remember their names or their faces.
79. When I don't do what to do in certain situations, I often wonder if the "signs" that were are suppose to look for, are actually true. And if things that are "good luck", actually good luck. So far it doesn't seem to be.
80. Even for how much I cry & worry, this is still the best I have ever been in my life. And for once, I'm excited to see what's next.
81. I fear I will never find my soul mate. I'm so quiet, he might miss me.
82. My secret hobby is seeing how many different places I can pee in while drunk.
83. Even though no one would call what you did "cheating", that's what it felt like to me. I can never trust you again.
84. My aunt needs a kidney transplant and my moms donating. I wish my mom wasn't going to. I'd rather my aunt die.
85. I'm not ready to grow up. I just want to make a pillow fort in my old bedroom at my mom's house and never come out again.
86. i feel like i missed my youth. i was too busy being miserable. i hope i find a way to enjoy the rest.
87. Throughout the day I write down things for us to talk about on the phone so I don't seem boring to you. I'm so scared of losing you.
88. I know the exact times of when I see you every day. I know what hallway, after what class, who you might be walking with. Is that stalkerish? I just like you so much.
89. I still haven't deleted her number from my cell phone, and it's been over 2 years since her death. I miss her everyday.
90. Yeah, the sex was great - but the best part was when you reached down to hold my hand after. It's the little things, I promise.
91. I pretend to be more drunk than I am so you'll flirt with me and try to take advantage. I love every second of it and I love you.
92. If I had to choose between you and my cat, I would choose the cat.
93. Becoming vegan 4 years ago was an excuse to hide my eating disorder. I crave a big mac everyday!
94. Everyone would think my family is good and loving... but only if they knew what happens behind closed doors.
95. I dressed up and put on makeup today just to work from home because I want to look beautiful, even if it's just for the dog.
96. I love my dad but have never felt good enough. I want to know him better, but I don't think he will like what I have really become.
97. I'm so cheap. I steal clothes from stranger's laundry.
98. I'm pretending I have to work on my birthday because I don't want to admit that I have no friends to celebrate with.
99. I dread the day my father dies. I know I'll have to give the eulogy, and I'm afraid I won't be able to say anything good about him.
100. This is not how I wanted my life to be.